I'm Allergic to Power Point

So...just got off the phone with 100 of my co-workers.  And I had to present a slide to them.  I truly hate public speaking with PowerPoint slides whether it is to 5 or 500 people.  I don't know why.  If you want me to go to a client and stand up in front of them and talk about our product I can do that all day.  And you can throw questions at me in that situation that I don't know or expect and I can think on my feet.  But give me some PowerPoint and I start sweating and my voice quavers and I start wondering if it's possible the world might conveniently end before my presentation comes up.

This one was initiated this morning by my boss emailing the team leads saying "I can't make the meeting - which of you wants to volunteer to present this at the global team meeting?"

I thought it would be clever to deflect that one by saying "I volunteer so-and-so."  Be careful what you say because on a teeny-tiny blackberry screen you boss only sees "I volunteer..."

Anyways.  I got all my words out without choking or sneezing or more than 25 ums or 50 sos.  [ "So we put 5 things on the um agenda because they're super-important.  So first up is um..." ]  Minimal add-on comments were needed by the big boss.  So I would say it was a marginal success.

And the world didn't end.  That I know of.

I was thinking about how far I've come (if I do say so myself) in my "career."  "Career" is quoted because I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  If you could make finger-quotes in the air while reading this, it would be good.  I most often picture myself as a sort of James Bond spy who flies in, assesses the situation, figures it all out, fixes it and then flies on to the next cool spot.  I did want to be a spy when grew up.  Or a detective.  Or maybe a veterinarian.

I've always wanted to travel internationally for business.  I actually got my first taste of that earlier this year.  Granted it was "only to Canada" and they speak English...  But it was a start!  I realized when I got back that I did it all wrong too.  I did my typical fly-in-the-night-before-at-midnight-so-I-don't-miss-any-time-at-home and then I was only there for a day and a half and flew right back out.  Because of the time change I was so wiped out that I didn't even got out for dinner my one evening there -- I just had room service and worked!  That's ok behavior if you're being sent to places like Bismarck or some small town in North Carolina or even Cincinnati.  But not if you have to take a passport to get to your destination!  Clearly I have some learning to do about how to do it right.

It was weird to answer at immigration the question "What is the purpose of your trip?"  "Business meeting with a client."  "What client?" And I don't think I was very convincing because the guy asked me like 10 more questions.

The sort of funny thing was that I didn't really even think about the fact that this is a teeny step in the direction of being an international business traveler until a month later.  But I did think about the fact that there were literally 100 people on the phone today from different places including Europe, Australia and all the time zones in the US.

Anyways, those were my 2 big unexpected events so far in 2011:
- traveling internationally for work
- presenting to 100 people around the globe.

Sounds way more glamorous than it was.  I still don't like presenting PowerPoint slides either.

Joining the Water Bunnies

The gym class I like was canceled last Saturday so I decided to suck it up (and in) and try the Aqua Aerobics class.  The only things I knew about the class were (1) you wear a swimsuit and (2) the women I've seen in the locker room getting ready for it wear water shoes too.  The only people I'd seen getting ready for this class were at least 70 so I had a sneaking suspicion that I would be a little young for it.  I tried to convince Becca to go with me to "old lady aqua aerobics" so I wouldn't be the only novice/youngster/wet-behind-the-ears-neophyte but she had things to do that day (uh-huh, sure you do, I believe you).  So in my usual "gak! class starts in 10 minutes and I'm still at home in my PJ's" style I rushed over and changed into my swimsuit and water shoes and ran into the pool in time to see what equipment everyone was grabbing before they got into the water and before I could change my mind.

Here's what I learned:

1. The only male was the instructor.
2. Most of the women were older and liked to pick on/flirt with the instructor.
3. Apparently the women had complained about the music last week so this week it was all old 80s pop and Taylor Swift. (Can you really work out to that stuff?)
4. I wasn't the youngest but I was the least connected.  Even the 30-somethings brought a couple friends (darn you Becca) so it was like one big hen party except held while standing 3 feet of water.
5. My towering 5-feet-7-and-three-quarters-inches (if you ask Iggy and his friends I'm at least 5'10" but I'm telling you what the doctor told me) made the workout much easier for me.  The poor 4'9" woman next to me had to struggle through all of it -- but most especially the "ok, now run 2 laps" segments.  At one point she gave up and just did a dog paddle to keep her head above water.
6. Speaking of running laps, you do this in the water, of course.  30 women can create quite a current if they all choose to run the same direction around the pool!  At some point the instructor will call out "ok, switch directions".  If you're lucky you get caught in the whirlpool where the water is trying to change directions with all the ladies -- it's a lot of fun when you're tall enough to keep your feet on the ground.  Not so fun (again) for the cute little lady next to me.
7. The instructor tried to have us work our abs.  Whatever technique he was talking about was incomprehensible to me. I kept getting my head under water.  I think this is a big no-no.  Everyone else had perfect hairdos (and dry hair).
8. Even at the end of the senior ladies' water workout session there is the plug for personal training purchased through the gym (really? an octogenarian wants a personal trainer? maybe he wants to feed his ego with some one-on-one harmless flirting?) with the twist that "we can hold the sessions in the pool with kickboards and waterweights." 
9. I was surprised to find I was a little sore in my legs the next day.

It was a fun new experience, but I can't see me doing this regularly until, oh, another 20-30 years...

Gym Candy

I know.  Sounds gross.  Bear with me.

Long before I knew what eye candy or brain candy was I learned about Candy Christians.  We were in Germany and it was Christmastime and we were at the chapel on base.  I loved that place (for all the wrong reasons, but more on that later).  The preacher had said two very meaningful things (to me) that sermon:

Always keep Christmas in your heart.

and

Make sure you get here early next week before all the Candy Christians.

On the former:  I thought he meant to always have that spirit of giving and love and hope and happiness and excitement in your heart. I thought that sounded quite lovely.  I was in 5th or 6th grade and we'd been in Germany for a while.  It was snowy outside.  We'd been to the Kris Kringle Markets to find little wooden ornaments for the tree.  We had a cozy little apartment in some little village.  There were presents under the tree.  My dad was going to be in town for a while.  My brother and I got to pick out a comic book or Trixie Belden novel at the base book store before going home.  To take that and capture it and keep it in your heart always seemed quite nice.  

Later I realized that it was the first significant misunderstanding about Christianity that I had.  While it was probably a nice double-meaning to the statement, in context it meant to reject the commercialism of Christmas and focus on the True Meaning.

On the latter:  I was a little old for it (feeling quite mature for my age), but I wasn't opposed to Halloween or candy.  I figured whatever next weekend was (besides also being Christmas Eve and Christmas) it was something exciting I was about to discover.  You see, the reason I liked that chapel had very little do do with the building or the religious content of what I learned there.  In the military, at that time, you had your choice of religions:  Jewish, Catholic or Protestant.  All housed in the same building.  This fascinated me.  I was learning lots about culture and people living all the places that the military dragged us.  And this was one more thing.  As a "Protestant" we had 4 ministers: an Episcopalian, a Methodist, a Baptist, and a Lutheran.  Each one had his own costume that he wore on Sunday (one was rather boring and just wore a suit).  Each sermon had a slightly different order and different songs you sang for processionals/recessionals and different ways of doing communion.  I truly have no idea which was which, but I loved that it was a little random what you experienced each Sunday.  The rotation wasn't a strict "every 4 weeks you're up" -- I have no idea what it depended on, but I like to think it had more to do with the needs of the community being served than something like rock-paper-scissors.  I mean, if you were a minister, wouldn't you rather give the Christmas sermon than the sermon in December 18th?  So I figured Candy Christians were some sort of new flavor of costumes, rituals and songs.  Cool.

In the car on the way home I overheard my parents talking about what time to leave next week based on getting there and getting a seat before the Christmas and Easter Christians.

Oh.

C and E Christians.

Not Candy Christians.

Sigh.  I have always had terrible hearing.

But actually, I hold to my original interpretation.  Now that I know what brain candy (necessary after a tough day's work; this justifies sitcoms) and eye candy (drool) and (cringe) gym candy is.

Which brings me to January 2011.  We bought a membership to the local 24-hour Fitness in November (shoot me now - I hate gyms and desperately prefer to be outside or playing a game - but these damn love handles are so-o-o-o-o-o persistent!!!).  The deal was that we had to go at least once a week each (so that when summer comes I can ride my bike ad nasuem and only go to the gym on days were I can't break away from work during daylight).

And in the first couple weeks of 2011 I was dismayed!  The gym was packed!  A line to check in.  No lanes in the pool.  No ellipse machines available!  Really?  They must have 3 dozen!  Running into your neighbor during classes...

I hope that this type of gym candy - the people that start their 2011 resolutions with a weight-reduction, fitness-achievement, gym goal - thin out by March.  (Who makes new years resolutions?  Does anyone keep those for more than a month?  Why start in January?  Why not start in November?  ;-) My original guess was that by Valentine's day they'd be gone.  And it did thin out a bit, but the "rush hour" at the gym from 6-7 still leaves me without a monotonous machine to battle with or the last spot under a speaker in a dreaded aerobics class.


The gym candy that I hope continues includes:

• Inappropriately Dressed Petite Asian Woman:  The first time I saw her she was wearing a fuschia cable-knit sweater, navy dress pants and maroon loafers.  I saw her today and she was wearing a tech-wicking-sports shirt over a one-piece floral swimsuit and some capri Nike pants.  A huge upgrade (I am an exercise-wear slut -- love that stuff!).  But she was still wearing the loafers.  She's so cute!
• Uber Skinny Jump Rope Woman:  The first time I saw her I swear my jaw hit the ground.  She is thinner than Jaime Lee Curtis and has a similar set to her jaw.  She seriously jumped rope in the gym for 10 or more minutes.  I might've been able to do that in 5th grade, but today jumping rope for longer than 2 minutes kicks my bootie.  I was so impressed!
• Water Bunnies:  The elderly women who use the pool to side-step up and down once between each 5-minute hot-tub session.  Sounds divine.  I'll be there someday too.  And I've learned not to use the close lane in the pool because it causes them distress when they have to avoid me and jump the lane ropes.
• Grunting man: The first day I saw him I was on an ellipse machine and was sadly in front of the weight lifting machine where you pull down with your arms from about eye level to your waist.  He started with a 45-lb weight on each side -- 90 pounds!  He did 15 reps quite easily.  I was impressed.  Then he added a 45-lb weight to each side -- 180 lbs.  Alright.  Wow.  No problem for Mr. V (his shoulders were at least twice as wide as his waist which was similarly twice as wide as his feet).  Then he added another pair of the 45-lbs disks.  And another.  As the weight added up the grunting started.  And got louder with each set.  At the 360-level it started to make me uncomfortable because I was sure that even the people even beyond me (people on machines in the next two rows!) could hear.  At the 450-level he was grimacing through his teeth and snarling the numbers.  It was disturbing.  At 560-lbs I think I blushed on his behalf.  He was back today.  It wasn't any less disturbing but was definitely less amusing.

I guess maybe I could do without Grunting Man.  But I love the rest of the gym candy.  I wonder how they see me.  Not that we're supposed to notice.  I hate being on display at the gym. Sigh.

A New Year...and no new me

It's that time of year again.  New Years' Resolutions.  High Expectations.  Great Hopes.  Oh All The Wonderful Things That Could Be.

Meh.

I usually rebel and make my own "Chinese New Year Resolutions."  It lets me delay setting goals until February when I can look at everyone else's goals and take the best/easiest parts for my own reuse/spin.

Anywho.

Today is the expectation-filled, pristine, malleable, day of "Anything's possible!"  It's New Years Day.

And I did absolutely zero -- it was like a passive protest.  We were up until 2 or 3 am playing board games.  We slept in until 10 or 11am.  At 3pm I decided it would probably be best if I finished those 2 mostly-empty bottles of wine left over from the celebrations last night.  I read my book club book for next week (proactive book club reading! Something I haven't done in months -- I'm still finishing September's book) a bit and played meaningless computer games.  Then around 7:30pm I thought maybe I should work on perfecting my Cosmo recipe (it's getting getting pretty good, if I do say so myself, but since I just had one I may not be the best judge).

Then while trying to ignore Iggy's college football game on TV and reading more of my book-club-book I found the profession I wish I'd ended up in.  It's perfect.  Or at least it's a perfect fantasy that I could be there.  And, appallingly enough, I briefly considered buying this book, published in 1973 that costs $500.  Uh, what?!?!  Wouldn't it be hopelessly out of date?  Aren't there any new advances we should know about?  I think I need to do more Googling.

I have always loved fast airplanes and mystery stories.  What better marriage of the two things than Aerospace Pathology?  Plus that vocational title just oozes future, cutting edge, all that is scientific and [bonus!!!] mad scientist lab coats.  How did I not even know about this field?  Especially given that a *textbook* on the subject was written during my toddler years.  There was ample time for me to have heard about it before I went to college.

My general lack of motivation regarding goals is probably that things are pretty good.  Iggy and I are doing well, the dog is [mostly] behaving, I have a couple groups of women I like to hang out with (book club, hockey), I exercise fairly regularly (because it keeps me from screaming in frustration when working with unmotivated clients), etc.  I would love to lose those extra pounds I somehow found in the last 2 years and eat healthier and all that, but not enough to do anything about it.  My job pays the bills, lets me save toward retirement, play hockey and basically do what I want.  Explaining my job isn't sexy and no one I tell about it suddenly gets a wistful look on their face and says "I wish I could do that!" or "Gee, that sounds so interesting!"  When I get to the point where I am dreading work so much that I won't get out of bed, I guess it will be time to do something about it.

At any rate, don't expect anything spectacularly different from me this month.  I'm still that same old me and not pretending that I can (or even care to) be a new, improved me. ;-)

Happy New Year, y'all.

Travel Envy

One of the things I do when I've sick of work but have a lot to do is browse travel sites while waiting on the server to respond.  A few weeks ago I got an email with a link to a blog about what influences your travel decisions.  It asked a panel of travel bloggers if nationality, gender, age or religion was the highest consideration when making a choice about your next trip.

Interesting.  What influences my travel decisions?  At least nationality (I don't go where there's violence against Americans or the US Gvt says I can't go) and gender.  I do like to travel by myself, but I like to go places where I can get by speaking English and where women are basically equals in society when traveling solo.  And I especially like to go where I can visit with someone I know some of the time.  Luckily age hasn't been a limitation for me yet.  But I do feel an urgency to visit as much of the world as possible as soon as possible.  I really regret not traveling around when I was "young and carefree" and willing to stay in questionable hotels/hostels.  Right now I really like having airline tickets to mark the beginning and end of an adventure and at least a place to stay the first night.  During my pondering about religion and my trips, I had a funny a-ha moment where I realized I have probably crossed that line from being religious to not -- and that is still uncomfortable to say.  A different blog perhaps.  But even back when I still fooled myself into thinking I was religious, I would be fascinated to see other religions and their influence on culture...but probably not enough to make it the deciding factor for a trip.

So after I'd thought about what influences my travel, I read the rest of the blog.  Honestly, that took me a few days -- probably 2 weeks, if I were to tell the truth.  And more than half of it was last night sitting on the couch with Iggy's new iPad waiting for him to finish whatever he was doing so we could watch a movie.

Most of the travelers in the blog are truly independent and sound like they would never consider stooping to a pre-arranged tour.  I am 90% sure that if I traveled enough then I would be the same way.  But several years ago I took a tour bus trip of ...er... the UK or Great Britain?  Great Britain (we didn't see any of Ireland -- a regretful omission).  Granted, other than one grandson, myself and my companion were the only ones under 50 on the bus.  So while I had a great time, I'd like to save those trips for when I am a senior citizen.  Much like the panelist Michael Schneider.  He and his wife are in their 60s and still doing "strenuous" travel (he mentioned kayaking and hiking recently) -- and will consider beaches and cruises later!  I hope to be writing that blog (or whatever new-fangled thing replaces blogs) in a couple decades!

The panelists would probably turn up their noses at my all-inclusive resort vacation this year too.  (Or at least delay it until they were 70.)  But in my life even that has its place now.  That Mexico trip was probably one of my favorites (even without the wedding, but having everyone cater to or defer to me for that probably fed my ego more than I care to admit).  It was so cool to have all the families and friends meet each other in a neutral site.  It was nice to take the "turf" and some of the obligation and the "timeframe" out of the picture.  No one was really there long enough to figure out those areas where I know they'd disagree (respectfully, of course) and everyone was free to do different activities but to hang out when they wanted to.  I like to think everyone got something for themselves out of the trip -- even if I did force them to spend their hard-earned vacation days and $ on a place and time of my choosing.  Iggy and I have a "stay 5 days and get 3 days free coupon" for the anniversary of our trip.  So we're likely to do a repeat all-inclusive stay next year.

One of the most interesting comments was at the end and was on gender (which most panelists seemed to admit was at least an unconscious or unwilling consideration).  It is (sadly) still easier to be respected as a man in basically any culture.  Regarding that, one panelist (Wade Shepard) said, "I am surely missing something."  Think about that for a minute.  By itself the quote could be saying that he's missing out on the experience of living in the world as a woman.  But, I admit, that quote is a little out of context.  It comes after a paragraph on how he's observed his wife being treated when he's not with her -- and how it would be disprectful to *the man* to treat the woman like that if she were with a man.  (!!! Do NOT get me started!)  The whole quote is "This stuff [cat-calls, ass-grabs, propositions, etc.] does not happen when I am around, and it is my impression that women may travel in a very different world than I. I am surely missing something."

I love the sentence on it's own for the double meaning.  But I also like what he's saying...

One panelist (Dave) says he alternates extremes on his trips.  This is a fascinating idea.  Like one time I could go on a humanitarian trip to an African country to help build a schoolhouse then the next time I could go to a Scandinavian country for a week of indulgence and spa treatments.  Poverty then luxury.  Giving back then selfishly taking.  Both sound fun to me.  I probably do this to a lesser degree on a subconscious level since I really enjoy variety, new experiences and learning.

Another panelist had an interesting comment on the concept of novelty.  Nellie Huang is from Singapore and her partner is from Spain.  So traveling to the Mediterranean or north Africa might feel exotic for her, but would be ho-hum for her traveling companion.  Likewise Indonesia or Asia might not feel as exotic to her as it would for someone else.  Along with this as a consideration for me comes comfort zone.  Being a military brat made me comfortable in situations where I couldn't understand a word being said.  Not that I like it.  But it doesn't freak me out.  It didn't occur to me until traveling with someone outside of my family that this might bother other people.  I remember once in Switzerland after 4 or 5 days of making the effort to use my high-school French on signs and when with people when they'd stop me in the street to ask directions (a huge compliment that they didn't just assume I was a foreigner) just wanting someone to talk American (not English) and to have a diet Coke (not a Coca Cola light) and have a McDonald's hamburger (something I rarely crave when in the States).  So I get the comfort zone thing.  But it doesn't happen to me on day one.  And the next morning after my Swiss-induced homesickness, I was ready for whatever came my way even if it involved butchering the French language some more and some odd food (with the exception of "Chinese Fondue").

The most interesting panelist to me was Angelina Hart.  She has this concept of raising "global children" and takes her daughters on what I would consider atypical trips.  Would most moms consider taking their daughters to Iran?  Especially when they were under 10 years old?  Wow.  Seriously.  I wanted to be 10 and be her daughter.  And then I wondered who the daughters hang out with.  I remember coming back to the States from Greece (not nearly as unusual) and not having much in common with the kids here.  Of course, her daughters live in the US and just visit other countries so maybe those are apples and oranges, so to speak.  But an interesting goal -- to raise global children.

In the end I am cognizant of my jealousy of these people and their lives.  I can't wait for my next trip, but at the moment I have too much to consciously plan it (obviously my priorities are out of whack).  But I indulge myself with a minute at a time here and there on my non-work computer while chained to my desk...and dream about river cruises through Eastern European countries or a Nile cruise and some time pretending to be Agatha Christie on a dig in Egypt.  Or visiting Casablanca.  Or Antarctica.  Or...