Mixed Emotions

My mom waited until 6:45am to call me on the Friday after the shootings at the Aurora movie theater. Oddly, I was already up and working, but I hadn't opened a web browser to see the news yet, so I had no idea what she was talking about. After I did read the story I was amazed at her restraint for not calling the minute she heard (I will always be "her little girl," I suppose). During that day several of my coworkers (who are all over the country, but not in Colorado) IM'ed or emailed to see if I was ok, which was cool. I tried to not obsessively check news updates or Facebook, but it was hard not to look at Facebook especially. I felt relief each time I saw someone post that they weren't at the theater. Mostly I was probably just like everyone else: numb, shocked, confused, outraged and sad.


I had to fly out Monday after for work and I had mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it turned out that my friends most likely to be at the midnight release of batman were all at other theaters and we didn't personally know anyone there. So there was no reason that I couldn't go. But Iggy's work is close to the theater and a large portion of the people he comes into contact with regularly at work could've been directly affected. I didn't really think he would need emotional support after his first day back at work but I also really just wanted to be at home with him. Not for him, but for me.


I wasn't sure what to expect from my client or my coworkers while on-site that week since they all know where I live. The client was silent. I am not sure if this was out of respect or because they didn't make the association or if they only recognize drama directly involving themselves. My coworkers all asked quietly, unobtrusively, on their own, and at different times about it. When talk would come up about the movie I would have a slightly jarring hiccuping in my emotions but hopefully it wasn't apparent to others. I am trying not to have the association with the movie or the theater itself.


I wonder if the theater can successfully reopen or how businesses at the mall will be impacted over time. I have mixed emotions about seeing the movie (I want to, but I don't want to, and I don't think I would enjoy it at the theater now, but then I feel like maybe I should force myself just so I get over any issue I have).


One of the days I was on-site I saw this ad in USA Today at the hotel.



http://www.demandaplan.org/ad-large

I was shocked, probably a little angry at first, but almost as immediately was glad for free speech giving these people the right to print the ad, and the paper having no reason to censure it. Then maybe a little guilty because these people have certainly fallen off my radar as I know, eventually, even the ones in my hometown will. And that makes me sad too.


Last week, on vacation, when asked where we are from, Iggy and I say, "Denver" out of habit. (Everyone assumes Denver, Colorado, but it used to be that people either didn't recognize Aurora as being in Colorado or first thought of an Aurora in another state first. So it was always easier to go with the name recognition and the habit formed.) This had the nice side effect of allowing whoever was asking to bring up the Aurora incident if they wanted to or not. By this time I am less sensitive to the conversation. And probably about half the people think of (or mention) the fires this summer in Colorado first.


I am glad the Olympics are on this week to take some of the focus away from negative events and give us something to collectively get behind. But then I wonder if this is already making the victims feels forgotten. I am still seeing news stories about the suspect or gun control laws using that as a springboard, and while I have a need to know more in hopes of eventually gaining some understanding, I fear the media making too much of the negative pieces of this story.

No answers, just lots of questions. Let me know what you think.