Jackson thinks I'm a Drama Queen

A friend of mine once told me a joke about "my dog must think I'm the greatest hunter since I come home from the store with chicken, pork, beef -- all at once and in only an hour or so."

I've always figured that this was basically true.

And if not, it's really fun to imagine how your dog sees the world without all the silly logic and convention that humans have. In fact, my new friend, Jackson, thinks I am the oddest, most unpredictable drama queen he's ever met. Can't you see the quizzical "what is your deal?" look in his eyes in this picture? Here's my best approximation of what he thinks about our relationship:

You know, it's an honor where I come from if someone sticks their nose in your crotch/butt. I don't know why you get all bent out of shape about this.

Or about mud. I don't yell at you or grab your feet and wipe between the toes when you come in from outside. If it's such a big deal, maybe you should invest in chocolate-brown carpet. I don't see any reason that you can't just leave the door to the back yard open all day. (I won't mind if you close it when it's time for bed.)

It's the neighbor dogs that bark. I just stand by the fence with my blinky ball in my mouth and wonder what their deal is. Ok, sometimes I do growl at them -- but it's only because they make no sense. Who cares if there's a fence there? I only bark at the mailman, the UPS guy, the FedEx lady, the snotty dog that gets to walk on my yard every day and people that don't belong on my block! Granted I'd be happier if most people would choose to use a different sidewalk for walking, but is that so much to ask?

Oh, and I bark at Iggy when he coughs or sneezes because I really don't think those things are healthy. We need to keep him in the pack because he is the best hunter in all the land -- you should see the stash he comes home with every day! Although he seems to not be able to find rawhides as often as he should given his obvious hunting prowess...it's really odd.

Speaking of food, why do you think I want to eat the same food every day? You have something different 3 or 4 or 5 times a day!!! Would it kill you to put some some gravy on my kibble?

If I lay down when I sit by the table at dinner, then I can't really see if you're going to drop something. It's better if I sit next to you and watch closely. Then I can clean up your precious carpet before that food gets ground in there and makes a stain. (I would do this for you, out of the goodness of my heart, even if you got that chocolate-brown carpet.)

I would like to eat that dumb cat that keeps walking on the backyard fence. Ooh! Who does she think she is? Grrrrrr!

I like your pillow and the soft blanket for the same reason you do -- they're comfy. And really, I have been sleeping on that side of the people-bed for a few years now and no one's ever had a problem with it. I like the floor-bed-thingy you got me -- thanks. Now I have one more place to nap during the day. Sometimes it's hard to give all the spots equal time, but the floor-bed-thingy is not a replacement for the couch or the people-bed. And I've even added your office to the list of places to sleep. You should be honored! We can talk about your role in dispensing treats in between naps later -- you need some work on this part of your duties. I am *always* willing to go on a walk (despite your frequent, superfluous sit commands at every single, friggin' street) or car ride with you -- even at 6a.m. in the snow.

Which reminds me -- when I have my nose out the car window and am gulping air, then farting is an expression of joy. Don't knock it. And don't stop. It's hard to keep my balance with your crazy braking habits. Plus it turns off the breeze I was so enjoying.

The blinky ball is mine. Stop trying to take it away. I will allow you to play tug with it, but I do not want to "drop it". That's why I am chewing on it. Duh.

No, I don't want a bath. I don't mind licking myself. You're just jealous that you're not that flexible.

I like socks. Worn ones are better. Just because I carry them around the house doesn't mean you can blame me for the ones you've clearly misplaced in the dryer -- I only take "clean" ones when there's no other ones available.

I don't understand why you sit in the corner all day or why when you're clearly not enjoying talking to the phone you won't just put it down and let me out. I whine to remind you that you're being unreasonable about this. Really you should consider not talking on the phone. It just pisses you off. Sometimes I tolerate your frequent "work breaks" to rub my back or belly. But mostly I like those -- keep that up.

Anywho-o-o-o...time to go nap in the sunbeam on the couch. Catch ya later.