I was married for 10 years (and we were together a total of 15). When we divorced when I was 34, it was practically half my life. The only people that had known me longer were my mom/dad/brother and Becca (a friend from Jr. High). So I couldn't imagine my life in the total and complete absence of my ex...even though I was completely willing to move onto the next chapter. For those of you that don't know me, we are still friends -- for instance he called me the other day to see if I could dog-sit and during that conversation I asked for advice on my 18-year-old cat whom he'd lived with as well for a dozen years.
But my drama with him is over. It's all just calm, once-in-a-while chats or we show up at the same hockey drop-in or a mutual friend's party. Whatever. It's all good.
Today's drama is with a guy I dated off and on for a few years ... longer than I care to admit. (Let's call him Alan.) So it's like a bit of deja vu from all my other dating experiences. In this case, it's been basically over since he stood me up for a planned ski trip in November. There were a few conversations after that...but they amounted to nothing changing. So we gradually stopped talking at all.
In the last month or so I've started seeing someone I'm really interested in. Let's call him Iggy (heehee - I crack myself up - he took a Facebook quiz that said his punk rock alter ego was Iggy Pop).
Then, mysteriously, in about the same timeframe Alan starts texting, IM'ing, calling. I checked my text messages. His last text before that was 3/3 regarding a hockey drop-in that we attend and he wasn't going that night. Coincidentally I've been busy (NZ, then 3 hockey tournaments in 3 weekends - woo hoo - life is fun!!!) and didn't really get back to him. Monday I told him that I was dating someone else and I'd still be willing to hang out as friends, but he had to understand the ground rule first (ie; I won't date you so don't try to convince me). And since then it's been all Drama, Drama, Drama. With flash-backs and deja vu to my divorce and the other break ups I would label significant in my life. He's telling me about people he might date (go for it - that makes me less nervous about you trying to break the ground rule), we're having conversations about why it went wrong (which is ultimately good for me, right? I get some closure, right? right?!?!), and he's saying all those wonderful things that used to make me happy (but now just give me a headache and make me cry -- although I cry at cartoons too, so that might not be a good measurement).
So, is it worth it to try an be friends?
Does anyone else worry that if they don't try to get back to some sort of harmonious spot (friendship or measured tolerance or something) that their ex will turn into an Ax Murderer and they'll be a sad story on the 9 o'clock news? Actually, I'm actually not worried about violence from any of my exes...it's more that I can't stand conflict in any form (even sitcoms and reality shows make me tense sometimes) so I must get back to a point where we don't all cringe when the other person walk through the door.
How does one break up without all the drama?
I guess the answer is "don't date anyone". And at times I think I could almost do that. Frankly, there's so much about dating that I dislike. And I don't think I've gotten any better at it as an adult. Which completely disappoints me. I always figured those high-drama situations from high school were because I was young and new to dating. But in the end I really like the connection with another person...that can be a really cool thing. So I guess I'm stuck with dating. I hope I'm not in some sort of doomed Groundhog-Day-esque loop until I figure it out and get good at dating. (The quote in the title is from that movie.)
I remember a saying from my Brazilian friend, Rico: Is it all OK? No? Then it's not the end -- because it's all OK in the end.
I think I'll go ride my bike and get my head back on straight hopefully.
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